I didn't take the time to look back but it seems as if it's been a while since I've done one of these "While We Wait" posts.
Aaannnddd........
I think this blog is needing something a little less heavy than my last few posts; so as I was thinking of what I'd like to post, it occurred to me that there are two things that I've been a little obsessed with lately.
The first is a song by Mandi Mapes titled "This Love". It is a song written about adoption and is just the sweetest tune. I've listened to it, oh, several DOZEN times.
The other thing that I love to do is look up adoption videos on You Tube.
SO....it seemed just perfect when I went to look for the video of the Mandi Mapes song and, BONUS, found an adoption video that had the song playing in the background.
Enjoy.....
Oh, by the way, tomorrow is the beginning of a new month which means that, soon, we will receive another monthly wait-list update. I highly anticipate that we will stay in our current spot on the wait list and, for now, I am okay with that. I don't LIKE it. But I'm okay with it.
There have been times during the adoption process that I have claimed to be "weary" in the wait.
Let me just go on record now as saying that that was (unintentionally) a complete lie. This past week, I experienced an all new "darkness" as it relates to our wait.
Let me fill you in.
First, the obvious.
We've been waiting for a referral for almost 14 months. A process that we were told, in the beginning, would take 3-4 months. Did you "hear" me? It's been 14 months (!!!) and we haven't even been matched with a child.
In addition, some of you may have seen my Facebook posts, etc. about a little boy in Korah named Abraham who needs a life saving heart surgery. A local surgeon had agreed to do Abraham's surgery and we have been waiting for the hospital to approve his case. Last Wednesday, we received word that his case was denied.
Though I was already struggling with some heaviness regarding the wait, it was this news that seemed to launch me into what some may call a major league pity party.
In addition, on Monday, as I was (internally) already struggling, Jeff voiced a question that, to be honest, I had already been thinking about but hadn't said out loud. Hearing it spoken, seemed to make it that much heavier: "At what point do we start to consider that God is closing a door?".
And, so, with that conversation, turmoil set in in my heart and I spent the next several days constantly on the verge of tears; questioning myself and God's plan.
On Friday, someone posted this song, which helped begin to settle my heart.
And then on Sunday, as our worship service began, my heart immediately began to be ministered to; first through the music and then through the message. We are wrapping up the book of Ruth and our pastor's message spoke directly to my heart as he reminded us of how Ruth had become so bitter that she referred to herself as "mara" and asked others to do the same.
Like Ruth, I had spent several days in a place where all I could focus on was the negative circumstances that seemed to surround me. And, to be honest, I didn't want to NOT be bitter. But several moments into the message, my pastor said something about "God's silent sovereignty" that got my attention. I then wrote the next things that he said in my notes:
God has not abandoned us.
He is up to something good.
ALWAYS. His invisible hand of providence never disappears in your life.
The King of Kings is plotting and working.... always! For your good and His glory.
(These are all things that I know, by the way, but I was blinded by my bitterness.)
He used a great visual that I think we all can relate to. If you have ever done or seen cross stitch, needlework, etc. you know the mangled mess that the back side of a great piece looks like. We can spend our days viewing the piece from the back and wondering about the mess that it is; but, someday, when you turn it over and see the right side, you will see and know that a beautiful work has been done.
This is true of our lives too; of situations in our lives; of our adoption story. There are times, like last week, when I choose to look only at the backside of the tapestry that He is weaving (the circumstances, the wait, the frustration, the longing) and see nothing but a mess. And then there are times, Praise God, that I am reminded of the great work He will do, is doing and has always done in my life and I am, once again, able to see beyond the mangled mess of the "back side" to the beautiful tapestry that He is weaving.
Today has been a day that has been plagued with reminders everywhere of how long our wait has become.
First, I had a hair appointment and I think, AT LEAST, the last two times I've seen my hairdresser, I've left telling her that "next time", I'd have pictures of my girl. And, at the time I said it, I just knew that I would...both times. As she was asking me about it today, I found myself unable to confidently even go there.
Later, I got home and received a phone call on our home phone. I didn't recognize the name on the caller ID but it turned out to be someone from our home study agency calling to talk about the upcoming expiration of some of our paperwork. (Sigh!). I shared with my mom that it felt much like the day that I stood at my OB's office 40 weeks pregnant with Jordan. My doctor cheerfully said, "see you next week" (remember, I was ALREADY 40 weeks pregnant....and miserable), and I burst into tears. The last thing that I wanted to do was "see her next week". I really just wanted to be done. (He was born six days later, by the way....and not because he was ready).
After that, I was chatting with a fellow adoptive mom and she and I were discussing the fact that there is now another rainy season looming in our future. As you might recall, courts close for rainy season in Ethiopia (which is typically from sometime in July or August to early October). During this time, NOTHING happens with adoptions in Ethiopia (well, actually, you CAN still get a referral during rainy season....but I rreeaallllyy don't want to still be waiting for a referral at that point). Thankfully, that's not just right around the corner. However, because court dates and embassy dates seem to be taking longer, it is a concern that if we don't get a referral soon, we could be held up by rainy season AFTER receiving our referral. Or even worse, after traveling for our first trip and going to court.
In addition, we are once again discussing summer mission trips that Jeff and the boys had hoped to go on but, at this point, it is so hard to know what our life will look like or if, at that time, it will be feasible for them (as far as the adoption is concerned) to travel to Mexico. Deposits are due and decisions need to be made but, again, we feel as if we are in limbo.
I'll try not to make feeling this sorry for ourselves a habit. I'm typically fairly successful at remaining positive...but today's another day and I feel like I'm 57 weeks (the number of weeks we've been waiting) pregnant and miserable.
We received our monthly update today and our family is currently, officially, #2. However, the family in the #1 position is currently on hold as they have just completed an adoption from the DRC (which sorta kinda makes us #1). They are unable to accept an Ethiopian referral for 6 months. So....unless it takes us 6 more months to get a referral, no one is ahead of us (if it does take 6 months, that family will go back "in front of us" and are waiting to adopt a 0-4 year old girl). At this point, it's more a matter of a child that fits our parameters coming into care in one of our agency's facilities; people past us have been and can continue to get referrals ahead of us because they are waiting for a different age/gender child.
My hope is that this is the last monthly wait-list update that you ever get from me. : )
